“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
You Might Also Like
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”