@PleaseBeGneiss

First person to eat a banana: this is not good

First person to peel a banana: dude guess what

First person to eat a banana: this is not good

First person to peel a banana: dude guess what

- @PleaseBeGneiss

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@crabgirl_

The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.

@TSDD24

HER: Let’s do some role playing

ME: Okay, be ur sister

HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..

ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?

@bornmiserable

Guys who say there’s a party in their pants are probably referring to search parties.

@SteveSuckington

[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]

“what are you doing inside my house?”

@daemonic3

[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]

Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs

@BuckyIsotope

“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.

@ItsAndyRyan

“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*

@KalvinMacleod

[inventing flies]

GOD: make them eat shit

ANGEL: got it

GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world

ANGEL: ok who hurt you?

@jameslsutter

Imagine if Frodo was all “Sauron’s bad, but Gandalf’s done some morally gray stuff, too, so I’ll stay home.”

Don’t get eaten by orcs. Vote.

@theshantilly

“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”

“Um, I have a boyfriend.”