*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
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Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends