I don’t understand billionaires who still work. You have a thousand million dollars. If I won $500 in a lottery ticket I’d try to retire
First person to find a tooth in the nacho cheese gets a free tooth
You Might Also Like
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
I’m at my most “penguin”, when I’m walking to get more toilet paper with my shorts around my ankles.
“I put on panties cause there was a spider on the deck and I don’t know where it went.” and other morning texts.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Sometimes I wonder how people who don’t have kids get their TV remotes from the other side of the room.