@CircIeKay

First person to find a tooth in the nacho cheese gets a free tooth

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@Home_Halfway

I don’t understand billionaires who still work. You have a thousand million dollars. If I won $500 in a lottery ticket I’d try to retire

@aligarchy

it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw

@JoshontheGo

I’m at my most “penguin”, when I’m walking to get more toilet paper with my shorts around my ankles.

@xxsomebunnyxx

“I put on panties cause there was a spider on the deck and I don’t know where it went.” and other morning texts.

@YesImMatt

When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?

@3sunzzz

“This steak is really chewy.”

*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*

@TheBoydP

[Me getting cut off in traffic]

GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!

[Notices USMC sticker]

AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!

@hpb777

Sometimes I wonder how people who don’t have kids get their TV remotes from the other side of the room.