First person to find a tooth in the nacho cheese gets a free tooth

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Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”


3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning



Women who get kidnapped while jogging: you’re not jogging fast enough


Yesterday I bought a ribeye.

Today I cooked it with mushrooms and onions and ate it before my kids got home.

I don’t even feel bad about it.


“So did you get lucky last night?”
You better believe it!
[flashback to me making all green lights omw home after girl refused to kiss me]


My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.


Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?

Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.


[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!

[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!


if going to church has taught me anything, it is that Catholics hate unexpected pterodactyl impressions