My wife remains very racist in her approach to laundry.
First person to find a tooth in the nacho cheese gets a free tooth
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Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Women who get kidnapped while jogging: you’re not jogging fast enough
Yesterday I bought a ribeye.
Today I cooked it with mushrooms and onions and ate it before my kids got home.
I don’t even feel bad about it.
“So did you get lucky last night?”
You better believe it!
[flashback to me making all green lights omw home after girl refused to kiss me]
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
if going to church has taught me anything, it is that Catholics hate unexpected pterodactyl impressions