[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
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We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Shower sex be like:
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING