[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
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[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that