First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
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Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ