@rebrafsim

First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay

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@BoogTweets

*Rap battle*

Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.

@CyberneticTiger

Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?

@GABBYdaAngSaya

Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:11:”Mikecanrant”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3779625598/ad268c029bb34c06cdfd3a299f8b7cf6_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”347125599673937920″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”290″;s:5:”tweet”;s:137:”Dating progression

Me at 16: She’s ugly.

Me at 21: She’s alright.

Me at 30: I’d hit that.

Me at 36: That mountain goat has nice legs.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@RapeyRaperton

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

@Pirate_nurse

If he’s dumb enough to send you a generic message in a mass text…be smart enough to reply to all

“I still haven’t gotten my period.”

@hippieswordfish

ME: i need a loan so i can build a robot army to take over the world with
BANKER: what
M: oops i meant ‘with which to take over the world’

@RobinMcCauley

A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.

@iwearaonesie

wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding

@BoomBoomBetty

[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]

stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you