Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
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Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Me at 16: She’s ugly.
Me at 21: She’s alright.
Me at 30: I’d hit that.
Me at 36: That mountain goat has nice legs.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
If he’s dumb enough to send you a generic message in a mass text…be smart enough to reply to all
“I still haven’t gotten my period.”
ME: i need a loan so i can build a robot army to take over the world with
M: oops i meant ‘with which to take over the world’
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you