[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
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The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has