First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
You Might Also Like
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.