FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
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Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!