This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
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How about putting that screaming kid on vibrate
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Brain: That is a fly.
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
My daughter ruined her Halloween costume. Gonna wrap her in aluminum foil and send her out as a leftover.