[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
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You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
This has made my week.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
bout dat hot dog summer
IT’S-A ME,