Just saw a homeless guy fall asleep with a lit cigarette in his mouth. Which probably explains why he’s homeless.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
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Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Just sent my husband a text meant for my bf and now he thinks I want to have sex.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Twitter has taught me a couple things. First, there are some incredibly brilliant people in the world. Second, they are vastly outnumbered.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr