[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
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*controversially pours a glass of milk*
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
This is a bad sign
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
No point crayon over spilled milk.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.