@TheDailySchmuck

First, Ray Rice. Now, Adrian Peterson.

The prison football league is going to be off the chain this year.

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@ln0217

Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms

@WittySassBasket

*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.

@SirEviscerate

*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.

@TweetPotato314

clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year

me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky

@Hella_Rad

sometimes i cry when i chop vegetables other than onions, just so the onions don’t think they’re ugly or something

@PleaseBeGneiss

god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast

angel: and so wild

god: only a lunatic would ride one

angel: are you—

god: —ima make a lunatic

@MyNameIsArchaic

How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?

I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.

@BradBroaddus

Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.

So did all the other people at the post office.

@bingowings14

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?

@YES_IM_RUDE

FUN FACT:

Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.