First rule of Botox club:

Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.

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shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!

me (has no idea what that is or means): good.


Ladies, if he leaves the stickers on his hat, that’s his way of telling you he won’t pay child support.


Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.


Because of Twitter, people use words like Twitterverse, Tweeple, and Twitcide.

Which makes me want to twoot myself in the face.


A tiny woman at work just sneezed and it sounded like a Chipmunk being shot out of a cannon.


I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.


“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”

No, I bought them 15lbs ago


Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.


Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.