First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
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My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Don’t tell me what to do
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?