First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.

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I would fake a heart attack but this coworker would just try to finish his story in the ambulance ride to the hospital.


[Exchanging gifts at family’s house]

*family opens up my gifts
-uh, a history book?

Your Facebook post suggested that you needed it.


ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?

DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone


If you’re going Black Friday shopping tomorrow, be a decent human being & turn your phone horizontal before you record any fights


somebody sell me a flock of sheep so i can give them cool superhero names like bahman, the green lambtern and wonder woolman


Dropping the shampoo bottle in the shower is the most violent sound ever. “U OK in there? Sounds like a Michael Bay film in that bathroom!”


I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.


me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?

satan: yup

me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway

satan: you got it

me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?


Me: how do I do taxes?

School: here’s a recorder

Me: what is a credit score?

School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this

Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?



[First day as a detective]

Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever

Murder suspect:

Me: never have I ever shot a guy


Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*

Suspect: dude stop

Me: *mouthing* ???? ? ???