@aneesa_p

First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.

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@shawnspree

I would fake a heart attack but this coworker would just try to finish his story in the ambulance ride to the hospital.

@UnrealRogue

[Exchanging gifts at family’s house]

*family opens up my gifts
-uh, a history book?

Your Facebook post suggested that you needed it.

@KalvinMacleod

ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?

DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone

@Bdell1014

If you’re going Black Friday shopping tomorrow, be a decent human being & turn your phone horizontal before you record any fights

@ramenfuneral

somebody sell me a flock of sheep so i can give them cool superhero names like bahman, the green lambtern and wonder woolman

@Aaerios

Dropping the shampoo bottle in the shower is the most violent sound ever. “U OK in there? Sounds like a Michael Bay film in that bathroom!”

@AimeeHelene1

I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.

@Skoog

me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?

satan: yup

me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway

satan: you got it

me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?

@whatsupboosh

Me: how do I do taxes?

School: here’s a recorder

Me: what is a credit score?

School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this

Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?

School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.

@Buffalojilll

[First day as a detective]

Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever

Murder suspect:

Me: never have I ever shot a guy

Suspect:

Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*

Suspect: dude stop

Me: *mouthing* ???? ? ???