First rule of flight club…no penguins.

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A Girl on Twitter, finally gave birth,Now she’s been tweeting her baby pics every 20min & Makes me feel I am raising her child with my Data


Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!


Me: How much for the selfie stick?

Him: Sir, that’s an Olsen twin.

Me: I’ll take it.


I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.


People: cheer up, things could be worse

Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how


I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.


I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”


relationship status:

[ ] single

[ ] taken

[X] waiting for the spaceship to return


On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.

My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”