Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
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Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
🥶🥶🐶🐶
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
“I’m helping” 😅
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
me opening up to someone
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star