First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
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Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.