[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
You Might Also Like
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
What kind of a cult is this?
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.