First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.

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I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”


In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it


Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.


A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”


Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.

Somebody had to say it.


[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy


People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.


Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.


Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”