A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
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The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Can’t stop laughing
john wicks are toilet candles
In a parallel universe nobody can park.