@drhappyknuckles

First they came for the fat, whiny losers, and I said nothing, because they got me immediately. I was like the first person they got.

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@ComedyCarter

In life, God is my co-pilot. Unfortunately He is on the no-fly list thanks to His ties to several extremist groups.

@ipalatsky

Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.

@kimtopher22

I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?

@jake_likes_naps

[Ouija board]

“Hey spirits, talk to us”

W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E

“fml”

@Just__J0

My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!

My bladder: Don’t listen to them.

@PatsATweetin

My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.

@CountMackula

Go to a doctor?

When there’s all this free advice on the internet?

@Pork_Chop_Hair

*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*

*you’re cured*