In life, God is my co-pilot. Unfortunately He is on the no-fly list thanks to His ties to several extremist groups.
First they came for the fat, whiny losers, and I said nothing, because they got me immediately. I was like the first person they got.
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Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*