People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
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[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.