[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
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When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Me trying to look natural in photos
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.