First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
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In banana years, I am bread.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
[eulogy]
line?
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie