First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.

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My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.


Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.

Me: Yes, is it still 666?


There’s a 100% chance the Republicans will discuss Starbucks cups in a debate tonight, so remember that when they ask how they lost in 2016.


The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.


I left some avocado toast out on the front porch and in the morning I’d caught three millennials. Paid off their student loans and released them back into the wild. Good kids.


dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?


[giving tinder girl the tour of my apartment] i caught a Pokémon right here last night


Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.

*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*


me: How long are you going to keep throwing that in my face?!
Netflix: Because you watched “The Wedding Planner”


I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.