@notalogin: First they came for the people who say "Awesome sauce," and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
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@SarahR_82: Violently swerving ur car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesnt work like it does with humans. Just in case u need to know.
@trevso_electric: My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
@LoveNLunchmeat: Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
@TheHyyyype: serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert me: sure! serial killer: r-really me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr- me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!