First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
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[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship