Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
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*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Columbus: I like it here
Native American: Me too, that’s why I live here
Columbus: Why you ‘used to live here’
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
When I see someone in public talking on a bluetooth..I like to position myself on the other side, lean in & whisper “It’s ok I see them too”
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do that
ALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.