First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
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Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died