First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
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(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
My dress code is business-casualty.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google