First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
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No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.