Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
You Might Also Like
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free