@FeelingEuphoric

[first time at church]

me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups

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@CliffDuffy

Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?

Me: Rough sex

Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop

Me: Talk to your nurse about that

@McClaneJohn2

I like holding doors open for people who aren’t close and watch them do that stupid power walk.

@radtoria

Fastening a pendant around my son’s neck before dying for him, “Keep this always. The audience won’t recognize you as an adult without it”

@iwearaonesie

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no

@MsSkarsgaard

Him: I’ll kill anyone that tries to come near you.

Me: Oh, that’s sweet babe but do you think you could you leave the Cinnabon samples guy alone?

@MrGirlDad

I accidentally ran one of my daughter’s glitter pens through the laundry and now most of my work shirts are fabulously ruined.

@KeetPotato

[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”

@ThugRaccoons

You: Where’s Carl?

Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind

You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?

Me: Funny you should ask

@Parkerlawyer

Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”

Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”

Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”