[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
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[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Me: how are you
Friday: good