Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
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I like holding doors open for people who aren’t close and watch them do that stupid power walk.
Fastening a pendant around my son’s neck before dying for him, “Keep this always. The audience won’t recognize you as an adult without it”
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Him: I’ll kill anyone that tries to come near you.
Me: Oh, that’s sweet babe but do you think you could you leave the Cinnabon samples guy alone?
I accidentally ran one of my daughter’s glitter pens through the laundry and now most of my work shirts are fabulously ruined.
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”