Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
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Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
LA today:
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”