Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
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[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
welp
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*