Balls Deep is not a accurate form of measurement.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
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Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Me: I’m going to take a nap.
My kids: WE CAN’T FIND ANYTHING AND WE’VE FORGOTTEN HOW TO DO EVERYTHING.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
*everybody gasps as I drop the baby*
Oh no was it expensive?
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.