@protolalia

“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.

You Might Also Like

@Steven37366100

Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.

Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.

@murrman5

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

@MarfSalvador

Cop: My informant told me where the killer is

Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?

Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that

@Cheeseboy22

I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.

@SaltyCorpse

Me: I’m going to take a nap.

My kids: WE CAN’T FIND ANYTHING AND WE’VE FORGOTTEN HOW TO DO EVERYTHING.

@MelvinofYork

Me: god you’re sexy

Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women

Me (sultry whisper): not my mom

@thenatewolf

*everybody gasps as I drop the baby*
Oh no was it expensive?

@AnniemuMary

Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.