@Brampersandon_

First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.

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@_davidlucas_

People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.

@gruffybeard

Counselor: Why do you resent your wife

Me: She made me get out of line for Springsteen tix

C: Why

M: Something about her water breaking

@LittleMissAngr1

I just saw something drop into my wine out of the corner of my eye. But the alcohol will kill it, right?

@preawsaurus

it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.

@mamapjs1

Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.

@dafloydsta

WIFE: The police are at the front door

ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?

@omerwahaj

What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?

@thatdutchperson

[job interview]

“And how do you deal with things that cause you stress?”

Me:*remembering that I haven’t opened my voicemail in 6 years*

“effectively.”

@MattElGato

*intercom comes on* “Would the owner of a white Jetta with headlight eyelashes please report to the front desk so u can be shot in the face”

@Just__J0

Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.

– two things I’ve learned the hard way