First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.

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People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.


Counselor: Why do you resent your wife

Me: She made me get out of line for Springsteen tix

C: Why

M: Something about her water breaking


I just saw something drop into my wine out of the corner of my eye. But the alcohol will kill it, right?


it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.


Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.


WIFE: The police are at the front door

ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?


What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?


[job interview]

“And how do you deal with things that cause you stress?”

Me:*remembering that I haven’t opened my voicemail in 6 years*



*intercom comes on* “Would the owner of a white Jetta with headlight eyelashes please report to the front desk so u can be shot in the face”


Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.

– two things I’ve learned the hard way