First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
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Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya