[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
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So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.