[first time hearing bag pipes]

ME: What a pleasant experience.

[1 minute later]

ME: This can stop.

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[william shakespeare as an 8yo]

dad: bedtime

william: dost thou not…

dad: [interrupting] STOP TALKING LIKE THAT!


[after death]

me: what is this place?

guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell

me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol

guy: hell it is


I just spent 38 minutes on the phone w my mother. And she couldn’t tell I was drinking. I’m worried about her, now.


Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.


Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough


“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”

“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”


HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl


Dear Science,

You cloned a sheep named Dolly when you could have cloned a llama. A llama named Dolly. A Dolly Llama.

That is all. Send.


[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]


[plumber] well here’s your problem.. *keeps pulling tied handkerchiefs from toilet*
[magician] it was like that when I bought the house