@brendohare DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
@daddydoubts *first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
You Might Also Like
@brendohare 
@SoVeryBritish Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
@T_Bonezzz_ When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
@WilliamAder Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
@ChicksRule Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
@ehdannyboy “40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
@LeBearGirdle Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
@JohnLyonTweets [flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
@LostCatDog Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
@MichaelTrying How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?