@daddydoubts

*first time in a long time at the dentist*

Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.

Me:

Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.

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@KentWGraham

Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.

@mereip

*maroon 5 band meeting*
‘Songs About Jane’ was a massive hit, let’s never make anything that sounds like it ever again. do u guys like disco

@CornOnTheGoblin

[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu

@tarrynklaudia_x

If there’s enough room to spell ‘bootylicious’ on the back of your shorts, it probably isn’t.

@HelloCullen

I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it

@ClichedOut

I totally get your eyebrows.

My bank account is overdrawn, too.

@fillthevacuum

*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*

*skinny dips to be on the safe side*

@jinpaynus

I love Walmart because it’s the only place to buy movies that don’t exist