@KKBowls “I know what you look like naked” – me to my girlfriends identical twin sister, every single time I see her.
@daddydoubts *first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
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@KKBowls 
@jonnysun Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
@reczit Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
@TheAdly Why is your ass split vertically?
Because if it was split horizontally it would clap when you’re going down the stairs.
@RandomManik Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little Lamb.
Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
@Michael1979 Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
@TheAlexNevil CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
@Prof_Peejay A student once told me the Big Bang was a lie, just like evolution. Then he asked me what my sign was.
I’m just a prof. I can’t fix stupid.
@DannyEarl Girls say they want a guy who is funny and spontaneous but when I tap on the window at night dressed as a clown it’s all panic and screaming
@SentenceReduced I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.