DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
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Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Banned from driving.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?