*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
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Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit