[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes

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Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?

Flight attendant: I need you to sit


Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.


[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.

Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.


Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*

Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this


Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.


A surge of capital into the Canadian
marijuana industry has stocks soaring.

Marijuana stock prices have now
reached a new …um …high.


8 out of 10 men prefer not to date psychotic women with bad tempers, emotional baggage and daddy issues.

To the other two….

Hi, I’m MJ


[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*


Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me: here, take the eggs too