[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
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[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival