Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
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Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
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Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
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I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
If a douchebag bungee jumps is it called a Bro-Yo?
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Just found some clothes my ex left here.
Perfect timing since I’m out of toilet paper.