@david8hughes

[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes

You Might Also Like

@sixfootcandy

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?

@GibJimson

The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.

Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.

@_Awwsomeness_

You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.

@BigJDubz

Wife: who are all these children?

Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids

Wife: I meant our kids

Me: yeah, that makes more sense

@RandomRamblr

An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.

@XplodingUnicorn

My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.

I thought there was something wrong with her.

Turns out she’s being R2-D2.

@aotakeo

[homeschooling]

ME: what is 345 minus 127?

DAUGHTER: 218

ME: *filling out tax form* thanks

@kimtopher22

My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.

@MouthOfSass

Just found some clothes my ex left here.
Perfect timing since I’m out of toilet paper.