[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes

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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?


The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.

Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.


You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.


Wife: who are all these children?

Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids

Wife: I meant our kids

Me: yeah, that makes more sense


An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.


My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.

I thought there was something wrong with her.

Turns out she’s being R2-D2.



ME: what is 345 minus 127?


ME: *filling out tax form* thanks


My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.


Just found some clothes my ex left here.
Perfect timing since I’m out of toilet paper.