[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
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As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.