@FrazzleMyGimp

FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.

BABY: {saying first word} Mama.

FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.

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@UncleDuke1969

When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.

@ANNIEwayyyy

Sorry I thought your older sister was your daughter and then made everyone else at the restaurant guess your age.

@ericarhodes

If I was a fashion designer Id call myself “who” so when celebs are asked who are they wearing they can say “Who?” “Yes who?” “Yes.”

@curlymalloy

Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!

@Cheeseboy22

Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.

@Alohababe2011

My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.

Parenting is easy

@oxygenplug

“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”

“Juicy Juice”

“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”

“Juicy. Juice.”

@LMFaye

My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.

@mjkspeaks

[arguing w girlfriend]

Her: I feel like we have communication problems.

Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.