FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.

BABY: {saying first word} Mama.

FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.

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When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.


Sorry I thought your older sister was your daughter and then made everyone else at the restaurant guess your age.


If I was a fashion designer Id call myself “who” so when celebs are asked who are they wearing they can say “Who?” “Yes who?” “Yes.”


Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!


Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.


My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.

Parenting is easy


“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”

“Juicy Juice”

“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”

“Juicy. Juice.”


My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.


[arguing w girlfriend]

Her: I feel like we have communication problems.

Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.