@BraandoCommando

[first time picking up the tab]

her: don’t forget to leave a tip

me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*

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@MunkMania

If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.

@PortlandiaGirl

There’s no point in using a big word, when an infinitesimally diminutive one will do.

@LadyJanieGeek

Came downstairs to find my 85 year old mum watching the TV
Me:” Why are you watching Thatcher’s funeral?”
Mum: “Just to make sure”

@mom_ontherocks

So your kid can speak 3 languages?

That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.

@TeaBeaPea

Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?

@bfrosty04

I dont ‘scrub up’ like a surgeon after using the urinal because growing up, they taught us not to piss all over our hands n arms, you baboon

@SnizzleFrizzle

So far today I’ve watched cartoons, had a nap, drank chocolate milk and ate cereal for lunch. I’m basically a toddler.

@ZAKagan

Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful

Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all