[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
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[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
What if the weather talks about us?
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.