“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
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Me: So you’re an Atheist?
Me: So what year is it?
Me: based on how years are counted after a certain birth?
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …