[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
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If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*