[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
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ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.