@smithsara79

[first time trying standup]

Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-

*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT

Me: Please, mom, not now

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@Northside_Mike

Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.

@leapeajo

Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”

Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.

1st graders: *crying

@SexySpainNights

When someone cries, “No one gets me”

I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!

@kirbys4losers

I can feel you getting distant from me; my only wish for you is that your destination is oncoming traffic.

@peteec

Jim Lehrer is moderating this debate with the skill of an NFL replacement referee.

@Jamberee13

Him: what are you thinking about?

Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?

@HatfieldAnne

No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.

@TheWoodenslurpy

Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.