Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
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“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”
Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
I can feel you getting distant from me; my only wish for you is that your destination is oncoming traffic.
Jim Lehrer is moderating this debate with the skill of an NFL replacement referee.
*eats whole carrot cake*
*waits for eyesight to improve*
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Don’t blame me for acting like a baby, I was born that way.