[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
You Might Also Like
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Thinking about Jeff
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.