@ashleyaustrew

First time your kid gets a bday party invite: Awww!

Second time: Oh, another one?

Third time: MAKE ANY MORE FRIENDS AND YOU’RE GROUNDED.

You Might Also Like

@Smug_Lemur

My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.

@iGreenMonk

If I found out I only had a week to live, and could go anywhere in the world, I think I’d go to the hospital because that sounds serious.

@chrisdelia

Waitress: Breakfast is over

Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.

Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.

Me: Okay, eggs then.

Waitress: Bacon or sausage?

Me: …Bacon.

Waitress: Do you want toast?

Me: ….

@iwearaonesie

[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*

[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*

@animaldrumss

Jesus: Those were the times when I carried you son
Me: And when the vending machine ate my dollar?
Jesus: That time you bought me a Snickers

@sweatsntopknots

Dear plastic wrap,

I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.

– me

@pleatedjeans

Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP

@IanKarmel

22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”

29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”

@emptydahl

Sometimes I wonder about those old mattresses in the alleys, the stories they could tell. The ones about me are lies of course.

@Vhalechark

Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce

Her: the what?

Me: the Westminster Shore sauce

Her: are you having a stroke?

Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce

Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-

Me: the Willmington Scone sauce

Her: please, it’s getting worse

Me: the Wank-