I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
First time your kid gets a bday party invite: Awww!
Second time: Oh, another one?
Third time: MAKE ANY MORE FRIENDS AND YOU’RE GROUNDED.
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Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Have you tried just Photoshopping her into your life?
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
I want the job where you push scared skydivers off the plane.
Due to the economic crisis and ever increasing price of food, the 5 second drop rule has now been increased to 10.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.