@ashleyaustrew

First time your kid gets a bday party invite: Awww!

Second time: Oh, another one?

Third time: MAKE ANY MORE FRIENDS AND YOU’RE GROUNDED.

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@sfreeze6

I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.

@OhReallyRach

Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.

@BellPupper

DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.

BARTENDER: Olive or twist?

DICKENS: *looks into camera*

@rage_chaos

I want the job where you push scared skydivers off the plane.

@salmarch79

Due to the economic crisis and ever increasing price of food, the 5 second drop rule has now been increased to 10.

@Try2StopME

Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”

Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”

Interviewer: “So?”

Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”

@squirrel74wkgn

[at hotel]

Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer

[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]

Me: Yep, nailed her

@heatherlou_

Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.

@WilliamAder

A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.