[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
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Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys