Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
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“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair