[first weekend away from the kids]

ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes

PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday

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[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that


Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?


Say no to drugs, kids. Wait until your thirties when you really need them.


Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.

Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*


When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.


First thing heard on the news: “You’re gonna be wet by this time tomorrow morning”.

Kinda looking forward to Tuesday now



“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”

[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]


*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog


Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.