[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
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[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?