WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
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Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Say no to drugs, kids. Wait until your thirties when you really need them.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
I’m easily the third toughest guy at this casino breakfast buffet.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
First thing heard on the news: “You’re gonna be wet by this time tomorrow morning”.
Kinda looking forward to Tuesday now
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.